


I Can't and I Won't

by seo_joohyeon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 06:37:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15813483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seo_joohyeon/pseuds/seo_joohyeon
Summary: Jaemin will never get used to renjun not being beside him. He can't and won't.





	I Can't and I Won't

**HE CAN’T AND HE WON’T**  
  
**JAEMIN WILL NEVER** get used to Renjun without his side. He’ll never get used to everyday without the older’s voice. He can’t and he won’t, no matter how much he misses him. No matter how it hurts to live every day without the older, he won’t.  
  
     “Winter’s here,” Jisung says, his gaze fixed outside. He nods and turns to look at the snow dropping on the sidewalks. “You sure you’re fine with being alone this week? You know Chenle doesn’t mind if you tag along, he never does.”

    “I’d rather be alone that be a third-wheel,” he playfully glares at the younger. But that’s not true, Chenle always make sure to include him in everything. It was Jisung who’d always be frustrated when the older refuses to cuddle him just because Jaemin would feel awkward. “Besides, are you sure you’d want me to? ‘Lele, Jaemin hyung wouldn’t mind, he’d understand’.” He says in ridiculous imitation of the Jisung’s voice. “You’d outright glare at me every time Chenle pays attention to me more than he pays attention to you.”

     “I do not,” Jisung says defensively.

     “Yeah sure,” Jaemin smirks. “Anyway, I really shouldn’t. He acts like I’m fragile and all when I should be the one taking care of the both of you. But I’m not complaining, I appreciate both of your efforts. But this time, I’m gonna have to reject the offer.”

     He nods. “He just really cares about you,” Jisung turns to look at him.

     “Don’t be jealous, Jisung,” Jaemin laughs, pinching the younger’s cheeks to which the other moves away from. “Chenle cares about you too. But he loves his hyung more.” He teases. Untrue, Chenle would probably buy the world for Jisung. Kidding aside, Chenle just really cares a lot.

     He doesn’t mind the affections showered to him, he loves it. But he’d specifically want to someone to do it, too. But in this circumstance, it’s quite impossible. Don’t get him wrong, he loves everyone. It’s just that… he’s different.

     Jisung, who was giving him a displeased look, gives him a smile. “Hyung,” he calls and he snaps out of his daze. “I can’t bring him back, but I promise you we’ll always be here if you need anything.”

    Jaemin smiles and brushes his melancholic feeling away with a joke. “Of course,” he says. “I think I could use some grocery, my fridge’s empty again, I think.”

     The both laugh at that. Jisung knows he purposely avoids it, but he doesn’t probe further. Jaemin is thankful at that.  
  
     They leave a little later. Jaemin puts his coat by the door and sinks down on the couch. He sighs and looks to his side where Renjun used to sit, it’s cold now. He reaches for the moomin-embroidered pillow and hugs it.  
  
     “I miss you so much, Injun-ah,” he whispers to the pillow, somehow hoping the other would hear it. But he had such high hopes. Just like how he hoped he’d have the older in his arms right now.  
  
     His eyes caught the frame on the table. It was the picture the other hated so much because Jaemin took it with him unaware, Renjun hates taking pictures of him without his knowledge, saying he’s unprepared and looks ugly. But Jaemin never fails to defend the picture, he had this blissful look on him that is so genuine he doesn’t let the chance pass to take the a shot with a disposable camera. Having his arm punched that day was worth it. He cherished it because it’s one of a kind. He sometimes regret now bringing his phone or camera. But even though Renjun despises the picture, he never threw it away even when Jaemin wasn’t looking.  
  
     He’d never, when Jaemin likes it so much.  
  
     He doesn’t realize he had fallen asleep on the couch until shakes him, waking him up. He looks around and saw the others, making themselves at home. Already. He groans and wipes his face, making a face at them. But he is surprised that there’s a lot of grocery at the kitchen, Jeno helping himself with the ice cream.  
  
     He turns to Jisung. “It was a joke,” he says.  
  
     “That’s what I told Chenle,” he shrugs and pops a gummy bear in his mouth. “And you know what happened, him and Taeyong hyung almost bought an entire aisle if Doyoung didn’t stop them.”  
  
     “Why’d you tell him in the first place?” He face palms, ignoring the sweet aroma from the kitchen. Donghyuck must be cooking.  
  
     “He asked me as soon as I got home and I was forced to tell him everything,” he raises his hand in defense. “Even if I didn’t, he’d still do it. Taeyong hyung was at home when I got back, so…”  
  
     “Chenle, you didn’t have to,” Jaemin stands up when the boy comes out of the kitchen. “But thank you. You really shouldn’t have.”  
  
     “Nonsense hyung, you’d do the same,” he smiles, his eyes turning into straight lines. How cute. “Actually, you did the same. But don’t think I only did it just because I owe you.”  
  
     “Of course,” he smiles. He doesn’t get to talk to him further when Jeno pulls him to the kitchen and makes him sit down. Mark puts different dishes in front him. “Wait, how long have you been here?”  
  
     “About 3 hours?” Jeno says, opening the fridge again to take out a tub of ice cream.  
  
     Jaemin looks at him weirdly. “Are you going through emotional problems right now?” he asks as he eyes the large tub currently in Jeno’s arms. “It’s really cold.”  
  
     “This is from China,” Jeno says as if it was enough answer. “Don’t be greedy, you can just ask Chenle to bring you a dozen again. Let me be.”  
  
     He doesn’t ask knowing his best friend is crazy. Instead, he turns to the steaming hot food laid on the table. The youngers comes and joins them as they start, thanking Donghyuck for the food. He takes a bite and he smiles, Donghyuck is a good cook. But there’s always something in what Renjun does that makes his dishes, unique.  
  
     “Does it taste bad?” Donghyuck asks when he notices that Jaemin has gone silent. The others look at him expectantly.  
  
     “No, it’s delicious,” he waves them off and apologizes.  
  
     And that night was full of laughter.  
  


     They’re never going to leave him alone.  
He sighs, feeling nostalgic as he gets down from the car and looks around. It’s still the same except the grass has grown taller than the last time he was here. Everything reminded him of the a certain someone.  
  
     “Hey!” He smiles at Johnny who slings him arm around him. “Feels good to be back here, huh?”  
  
     He looks around once more. “Yeah,” he says, his breathe turning into fog.  
  
     Chenle didn’t let him be alone and invited all of them to spend Christmas at the vacation house. Jaemin couldn’t give an excuse especially when Doyoung put a hand on his shoulder and he gives in with a sheepish smile.

     Although they were hesitant to spend it here, because everybody knew.  
  
     “Hey, hey, hey,” Johnny grabs his hands. “Don’t melt now. He won’t like it if you cry, you know that. Come on, give me a smile.”  
  
     He laugh and blinks before his tears could come out. “Sorry,” he says. “I just really wish I could spend Christmas with him again.”  
  
     Johnny smiles.  
  
     “Where’s Jaemin?” Taeyong asks when he doesn’t find the boy anywhere.  
  
     Kun stops cooking. “Oh you know,” he says before continuing.  
  
     “He’s out there again?” he frowns, looking outside where the snow started falling. “Did he bring a jacket or something? He’ll get sick if he stays longer outside.”  
  
     Taeyong turns to leave to grab a couple of thick sweaters and bring back the boy but he stops when he sees Kun looking at something outside. He steps closer to look and Jaemin was there, seated at the bench under the tree on top of the hill.  
  
     “Let him be,” Kun tells him. “You can scold him later, for now, leave him alone. He needs some time to himself, you know that.”  
  
     Taeyong sits down. “We all miss him,” he says. “But no one misses him more than Jaemin.”  
  
     Kun agrees silently.  
  
     Jaemin ignores the biting cold and just sits there comfortably. Everything felt so painfully nostalgic and familiar. Everything felt so painful. But he doesn’t cry. Renjun wouldn’t want him to. He really wants to see him again, his smile, hear his laugh, he’d even let him punch him again. He wants to feel his hands again, warm against his. He wants to stroke his soft cheek even when he pushes his hands away.  
  
     “Injun-ah,” he pats the space beside him. “Why does this hurt more than your headlocks and punches?”  
  
     He looks up and smiles, closing his eyes and lets the snowflakes fall on his face. It’s cold, but it isn’t enough to numb him. Nothing can fill the void in his heart. Nothing can hurt him more. He stands up when he hears his name being called by Doyoung a lot of times, must be time for supper.  
  
     “Aigoo, how much longer do I have to wait?” he says, brushing the snow off his clothes.  
  
     “Not for long.”  
  
     His smile disappears as he turns around. Oh, that’s why Doyoung stopped calling him. He smiles. His hair had grown longer like the grass, his skin is paler but he’s still perfect. His smile, oh his smile, it’s brighter than Chenle’s Christmas lights. He wouldn’t even compare.  
  
     He laughs like an idiot, holding onto his knees as he did so.  
  
     “You’re so mean, Renjun, you know?” he says, looking up. “You’re really mean.”  
  
     “I know,” he says, smiling softly. “I’m sorry.”  
  
     He shakes his head and immediately walks towards him, taking longer strides. Renjun smiles at up at him. He scans his face, he’s real. He’s real. He’s real. He pulls him into a hug to which the older complies and kisses him, his lips moving against the other passionately like he’d disappear again. He can’t and he won’t.  
  
     He pulls away to let them both catch their breathes, Renjun a little red from embarrassment as he knows the others were behind them. Jaemin pays no attention to them and just focus on the star in his arms.  
  
     As if he only realized now, he takes off his jacket and puts it around Renjun. “Yah, you’ve just gotten back from your treatment, you’re gonna get sick again,” he scolds him. “You should’ve waited for me inside and made someone call me. Yah, are they even feeding you right?” he raises his normally thin arms. “I’m going to make Hyuck cook a feast and feed you. Honestly, why didn’t you say anything? You didn’t call, I thought you were–”  
  
     Renjun cuts him off by cupping and pulling his face down and kisses his forehead. It made him close his eyes, feeling bliss at the moment.  
  
     “I missed you,” he whispers making him open his eyes. He doesn’t feel like crying, he won’t. Renjun wouldn’t want him to. But he’s been holding it in for so long that he couldn’t stop it when tears falls down his cheeks.  
  
     “I missed you too,” he engulfs him into a hug, burying his face in the crook of his neck. He cries there, Renjun lets him, not minding the wet patch forming on his shirt. “I missed you so much.”  
  
     He doesn’t let go and hugs him for a long time. Renjun doesn’t pull away, he missed him too much to do so. Waking up every day at his private room, he always feels empty without him. He wakes up not knowing if he will too the next day, so he never makes contact with any of them. The worried and stressed faces of his parents alone is too much to bear, it’s painful.  
  
     But he did it. He’s here. And he’ll never leave him again.  
  
  
  
  
     “Oh gosh, thank goodness you’re back!” Hyuck says at suppertime, playfully scolding Jaemin. “He was acting like you were gone or something! He’s always hugging your clothes and pillow,” he shakes his head but they know he was just joking, he’s super glad Renjun’s back, he missed him a lot. “I thought he was getting sick because I never seen him cry, like ever, not once in the 3 years of your absence.”  
  
     They laugh at Donghyuck’s jokes that also includes embarrassing the two, but Jaemin just beams when Renjun turns red at the same time scowling at Donghyuck. He’s so cute.

     He gets startled when Renjun hugs him on their way to the living room. “I love you,” he whispers. The movie was starting, but who cares when his boyfriend bury his embarrassed face on his chest.  
  
     He doesn’t let go of Renjun’s hand for the rest of the night.  
  
     He can’t and he won’t.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
